Scott Alexander’s Unbelievable Vegan Toasted Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies of Appreciation

 Sometimes if you’re real lucky and Scott has extra time on his hands, you’ll get these cookies fresh at his performances. If you can’t wait that long, try this.


Preheat your oven to 350°

then spread 2 cups of quick, old fashioned, or a mixture of oats on a cookie sheet



Your oats for 15 minutes, stirring occasionally until they brown. Then let em cool.



While you’re contemplating your choice of oats, try listening to “Fucking Technology” from Scott Alexander Makes Friends. You can also get started on the dough!



2 ¼ cups of dark brown sugar (I really think dark or organic sugar is the way to go here.).

If you feel fancy Substitute ¼ cup of maple syrup for brown sugar. mmmm

3 sticks (1 and half cups) of non-hydrogenated margarine. “Earth Balance” or “Soy Garden” is easy to find and works well. DO NOT USE “light” margarine! It’s half water and will totally make you and your cookies cry.

2 Teaspoons of Vanilla Extract (Get the best vanilla you can find!)

2 Teaspoons of Baking Soda

1 1/2 Teaspoon of baking POWDER (we’re working without eggs here people, let it rise!)

1 teaspoon of salt

The equivalent 2 of egg replacers of your choice (sorry, but if you want to know my SECRET Egg Replacer, you'll have to email eggreplacer[thatatsymbol] or ask in person.) You'll get an automated response, so if you're emailing about anything else, do so here.

Or how about this! Instead of my secret egg replacer, you can also mash and whip 2 bananas. The result will br kinda banana bready, very tasty if you’re into that.



Stir in 1½ cups of flour, I prefer white whole wheat pastry flour, but you can use whatever, the flour pretty much gets buried by . . .

2 packages of vegan chocolate chips (Trader Joe's generic chips are great, cheap and vegan. Bakers brand Chocolate Chunks and some varieties of Ghirardelli are dairy-free, but made on shared equipment with dairy, so depending on how anal you are. . . )



You’re probably getting excited, so try playing “The Dust that Clouds The View” from Scott Alexander Makes Mistakes to help you calm down and build up a bit of angst.

Stir in the toasted oats! That shit smells good huh?

Also stir another 1 ¼ cups of NON-toasted oats. (If you toasted all of them, the cookies will be very dry.)



Eat some dough, you deserve it and it will make a bittersweet companion to the last Scott Alexander song you listened to.


Back to work!

Form the rest of the dough into balls. I don't want to be crude, so let’s just say the balls should be somewhere between grape and ping-pong size. Be sure to eat more dough and prevent others from stealing your dough while you do this.

FREEZE YOUR BALLS! Overnight if possible, longer if convenient. In the meantime, make a friend a mix tape or cd, be sure to include your favorite Scott Alexander tunes!

Now you are ready to bake! Preheat the oven to 350° And bake the balls on a greased pan for 9-10 min. Bake only what you’re ready to eat.



Enjoy these cookies and send me an email to let me know how it turned out!