Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookies of Friendship and Ass-Kicking

The best way to eat these cookies when Scott gives them out at his performances. But if you need more, you can always try this: While listening to “Penny Gumball” on Scott Alexander Makes 7 or 8 Dollars


1 cup of dairy-free non-hydrogenated margarine-“Earth Balance” or “Soy Garden” is easy to find and works well. DO NOT USE light margarine! It's half water and will totally make you and your cookies cry. You can also use butter flavored vegetable shortening, but it will make your cookies more cakey and super unhealthy.

3 cups of brown sugar- (I usually use 1 cup organic brown and 2 cups regular brown. Sugar quality has a HUGE effect on the cookies and is worth playing around with).

2 Teaspoons of Vanilla Extract- (Get the best vanilla you can find, it matters!)

2 Teaspoons of Baking Soda

2 Teaspoons of baking POWDER (we're working without eggs here people!)

1.5 teaspoons of salt (I use sea salt, but I doubt it really matters)

The equivalent of 3 egg replacers of your choice (sorry, but if you want to know my SECRET Egg Replacer, you'll have to email eggreplacer[thatatsymbol] or ask in person.) You'll get an automated response, so if you're emailing about anything else, do so here.


Get that shit all stirred up nice and soft while listening to “Ethical Pervert” on Scott Alexander Makes Mistakes

If you feel spunky:

Add the zest of one orange. Or three teaspoons of pure mint extract. I would not recommend doing both, but they are your cookies!


1 cup of Flour at a time! You'll be using a total of 4 1/2 -5 cups of flour, combine unbleached white and whole wheat pastry flour (white whole wheat) to the proportions of your whim. Generally, I use 2 cups of white whole wheat. Whole wheat has a nutty flavor, but it makes for less soft cookies.

2 packages of vegan chocolate chips (Trader Joe's generic chips are great, cheap and vegan. Bakers brand Chocolate Chunks and some varieties of Ghirardelli are dairy-free, but made on shared equipment with dairy, so depending on how anal you are. . . )

Stir that up, yo! If the margarine wasn't really soft when you started, you'll probably have to use your hands.


Eat some dough, you deserve it!


Form the rest of the dough into balls. I don't want to be crude, so let's just say the balls should be somewhere between grape and ping-pong size. Be sure to eat more dough and prevent others from stealing your dough while you do this.

Now then:

FREEZE YOUR BALLS! Overnight if possible, longer if convenient. In the meantime, add me on facebook!


You are ready to bake! Preheat the oven to 350° And bake the balls on a greased pan for 8-9 min. Bake only what you're ready to eat.

At last!

Enjoy these cookies and send me an email to let me know how it turned out!